Your Nervous System Needs to Know That What Happened Then Isn't Happening Now

One of the things I want people to understand about healing is that insight matters...

but your nervous system also needs new experiences.

You can understand exactly where a response came from.

You can connect all the dots.

You can recognize that something happening today reminds you of something that happened years ago.

And your body can still respond as though the original threat is happening right now.

That's because your nervous system isn't only responding to what you consciously know.

It's responding to what it has learned through experience.

Your Body Can Respond Before Your Mind Catches Up

Maybe you're preparing to have a difficult conversation.

Your heart starts beating faster.

Your stomach tightens.

You feel the urge to avoid the conversation altogether.

Maybe somebody is disappointed with you and you immediately feel the urge to fix it.

Maybe you set a boundary and guilt comes rushing in.

Maybe someone says something that reminds your nervous system of criticism you've experienced before, and suddenly you're defensive, shut down, or ready to get the hell out of there.

Sometimes the intensity of what we're feeling doesn't seem to match what's actually happening in front of us.

That's worth getting curious about.

Because your nervous system may be responding not only to what is happening...

but to what the experience reminds it of.

Come Back to Right Here, Right Now

One of the practices I offer is learning to bring your awareness back to the present moment.

Not to convince yourself that you shouldn't feel what you're feeling.

Not to talk yourself out of your response.

And not to pretend that everything is okay when it isn't.

Simply notice:

What is actually happening right here, right now?

What am I feeling?

What sensations are happening in my body?

What am I anticipating?

What does my body seem to believe is about to happen?

And then:

Is that actually happening right now?

Sometimes the answer will be yes.

Sometimes something happening in the present really is harmful, threatening, or misaligned for you.

But sometimes your nervous system is preparing you for an experience that isn't actually occurring anymore.

That's important information.

You Don't Have to Immediately Make the Feeling Go Away

When uncomfortable emotions or sensations show up, we tend to want to do something.

Fix it.

Avoid it.

Suppress it.

Accommodate somebody.

Leave.

Shut down.

Talk ourselves out of it.

But sometimes the work is allowing yourself to experience what is happening without immediately responding to it.

Emotions rise.

Physical sensations intensify.

And they also come back down.

Part of increasing our capacity is learning that we can be with an uncomfortable internal experience without automatically doing the thing we've historically done to make it stop.

Maybe I feel guilty after saying no...

and I don't immediately change my answer.

Maybe I feel anxious because someone is disappointed with me...

and I don't immediately try to make them feel better.

Maybe vulnerability brings up fear...

and I allow myself to notice the fear before deciding I need to pull away.

That experience gives your nervous system new information.

Your Nervous System Learns Through Experience

Remember, many of these patterns weren't created because you consciously decided to have them.

They developed through repeated experiences.

So new learning also requires experience.

It's one thing to tell yourself:

"I'm safe."

It's another thing for your nervous system to experience:

I said no, felt guilty, and I was okay.

Someone disagreed with me, and I remained connected to myself.

I felt anxious, stayed present with the sensation, and it eventually came down.

I expressed what I needed, and I survived somebody else's response to it.

Those experiences matter because your nervous system is getting information that it may not have had before.

Healing Isn't Erasing What Happened

We don't get to go backward and give ourselves a different childhood.

We can't erase painful relationship experiences.

And the goal isn't to convince ourselves that things that hurt us didn't matter.

They did.

But what happened then doesn't have to remain the only information your nervous system has available to it.

You can begin creating experiences in the present that communicate something different.

So when an old response shows up, instead of immediately asking:

"How do I make this stop?"

try getting curious:

What does my nervous system believe is happening right now?

And then orient yourself to the present.

Because sometimes healing is helping your body recognize:

That happened.

And this is what's happening now.