You Are Not Your Experiences: Stop Internalizing What Happened Into Who You Are
We can get stuck when examining our relationship patterns when we start to identify with what we discover.
We make our experiences us:
"I am the problem."
"I'm stupid for choosing this person."
"I'm stupid for putting up with this."
"I am worthless."
But there is an important distinction between:
I am this
and
I am experiencing this.
You are you.
The experiences that have shaped you are experiences you've had.
They are not your identity.
You Are the Awareness of Your Experiences
You are not your thoughts.
You are not your emotions.
You are not your experiences.
You are not your behaviors.
You are the awareness of those things.
And that's important because if you can observe something, you can also examine it.
If you can examine it, you can begin to understand it.
If you can understand it, you can begin to shift it.
That's very different from deciding:
"This is just who I am."
Because once an experience becomes an identity, we start relating to ourselves as though that identity is true. This is called internalization.
Pay Attention to Your "I Am" Statements to Reduce Internalizing Tendencies
I want you to start noticing the language you use when you talk to yourself.
Particularly statements that begin with:
"I am..."
I am stupid.
I am damaged.
I am unlovable.
I am the problem.
I am bad at relationships.
I am someone who always chooses the wrong people.
When an "I am" statement isn't supportive, affirming, uplifting or edifying, I want you to consider whether what you're describing is actually an identity...
or a thought, emotion, belief or experience you've started calling you.
Because those aren't the same thing.
Your Experiences Can Create Meaning Without Becoming Your Identity
This doesn't mean our experiences don't shape us.
Of course they do.
They can influence what we believe.
How we relate.
What we expect from other people.
What feels safe.
What feels threatening.
What we tolerate.
What we avoid.
And sometimes the implicit meaning created from those experiences lives much deeper than our conscious thoughts.
An experience can leave you feeling:
"I am worthless."
"I don't matter."
"This is all I deserve."
But feeling something deeply doesn't automatically make it true.
The more we agree with those meanings and turn them into identities, the easier it becomes to continue moving through the world as though they are facts.
Try Changing the Language
This is another practical place to begin.
Notice the moments when you're turning an experience into an identity.
Instead of:
"I'm stupid for staying."
Try:
"I'm having a lot of judgment about the fact that I stayed."
Instead of:
"I'm bad at relationships."
Try:
"I've had relationship experiences and patterns that I want to understand."
Instead of:
"I'm weak because I couldn't say no."
Try:
"I noticed how difficult it was for me to say no, and I want to understand what was happening inside of me."
We're not changing the language to make something sound prettier.
We're changing it because the language is more accurate.
One describes who you are.
The other describes something you're experiencing.
You Are Still (And Always Will Be) You
There may be things you've done that you don't like.
Relationships you wish you had left sooner.
Times you abandoned yourself.
Behaviors that don't align with who you know yourself to be.
Thoughts and emotions that feel uncomfortable.
Those things are worthy of examination.
But they don't get to become your entire identity.
You are still the person observing them.
Which means you can understand them.
You can decide what still aligns with you.
You can decide what doesn't.
And you can choose what you want to do differently.
You are you, having an experience.
Don't confuse the two.
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